There’s something pretty amazing at starting a new medication that has a huge impact.
There’s also something utterly dispiriting about then having a few days where it doesn’t seem to be quite the wonder drug it first appeared to be.
After a couple of weeks of feeling really good, I’ve dipped a bit in the past couple of days.
A lot of tears – an awful lot – have been shed about the church situation and the sense that I’ve been rejected by my ‘family.’
And my anxiety has ramped up to the point of needing PRN medication to bring it back under some sort of control.
It’s hard not to start to panic about feeling less great than I did.
I feel like all my eggs are in one basket with this treatment, and if it doesn’t work, I don’t know what I’m going to do.
I’m already starting to think, ‘what if?’ I’m starting to think that maybe my dosage needs increasing.
But I know that objectively, I can’t expect to have all the ups and none of the downs, especially so soon after beginning a new medication.
I also know that there are good reasons why I’m feeling on edge and unsettled and just not quite right.
As part of my psychology sessions, we’ve discussed the need to accept that I’m going to have difficult and painful feelings, and will have to live through triggering situations.
What I need to learn to do is sit with these feelings, be willing to experience them, and not let them dictate the direction I want to go in.
It’s easier said than done, but I know it’s something I need to practise if I’m going to be able to weather the storm of depression, now and in the future.
Deep breaths.
Lucy's Depression Diary 