Holiday worries

In under 48 hours’ time, we fly to Italy for two weeks, and I’m genuinely terrified.

Over the past week, my mood has plummeted from pretty much okay to the point where I know that, if I were honest, people would be talking about hospital again.

And it’s not just worrying about going on holiday. All the warning signs are there: I’m exhausted, even if I’ve slept for 12 hours straight. I have no appetite and can’t be bothered to eat anything. I feel panicky and tearful and sure that I’m being a huge burden on everyone.

The thought of going away feeling like this is frightening. What if my mood continues to drop? What if I end up in crisis while I’m miles away from my mental health team?

I’m trying very hard to practise what I’ve learnt in psychology: mindful breaths, reminding myself that these are just thoughts, and so on. But the thing is, they’re NOT just thoughts. This is not just my mind thinking, ‘Meh, I feel a bit crap.’ This is overwhelming, physical as well as mental. Thinking I can put the brakes on just by thinking differently seems as ridiculous to me right now as thinking away a broken leg. No one would expect me to cure that with PMA, and my brain feels just as broken.

On top of everything else, I haven’t got adequate travel insurance because no one will cover me with my psychiatric history. So if I get ill enough to need hospital, who knows what will happen?

I really want to enjoy the holiday, to be present for it, to spend time with Ian and the kids, but the idea of enjoying it seems so far-fetched right now.

But I am going to promise myself something. I’m going to promise myself that whatever happens, I am NOT going to do anything that would potentially land me in hospital.

That might mean that I spend two weeks doing next to nothing. That I spend the time hiding in a dark bedroom. That I take lorazepam every single day. None of these situations are ideal, but if that’s what it takes to keep my head above the water, so be it.

It’s not ideal. Not ideal at all. But I need to make this promise for my family. I just hope I have enough control over this hideous illness to keep it.