Which way now?

I seem to have been prescribed a wonder drug. The meds are doing an amazing job at stabilising my mood, and I feel better than I have for a long, long time.

It’s an enormous relief and a huge reason to give thanks.

I had got to the point where I seriously didn’t think I was ever going to feel okay again, so it feels pretty miraculous to have gone from suicidal to content in the space of a week.

Now, though, I have to work out what I do now in terms of getting my life back on track.

The biggest thing is church.

I feel really torn about what to do.

Our church has been such a big part of my life over the past eight years, and until recently, I never thought I’d be in the position of wondering if I had a future there.

But that’s exactly where I find myself. Because I know I can go back now, and no doubt in a few months – if, God willing, I’m still feeling well – will be allowed to get back to doing the things I was before: Hotshots, Sunday school and so on.

But I can’t shake the hurt I feel at being rejected because of my mental health.

I had more or less resigned myself to being a Sunday-mornings-only person from now on, but when I said that in psychology today, I was pulled up short and told that I was letting my thoughts dictate the direction I’m taking.

It’s true. I’m grappling with so many difficult thoughts around what’s happened.

What happens if I get depressed again in the future?

Will I be kicked off the team again?

Am I only welcome there if I’m well, healthy and useful?

Does everyone think I’m a freak?

Are they secretly relieved that I’ve withdrawn from everything?

Am I just a big problem that everyone wishes would disappear?

I was told not to pay any attention to whether these thoughts are true or not, but to put them to one side and focus on the direction I want my life to take.

Church has been a massive part of that direction, for so many reasons: my faith, my friendships, service, my children, my place in the community, the structure and routine of my life.

I’ve felt totally bereft without it.

But I just don’t know that I’ve got the guts to plough my way back in as if nothing has happened.

It *has* happened. I *do* feel hurt and unwelcome. I feel incredibly insecure about what – if any – my role is within the church.

I agreed in psychology today that my goal for the week would be to go to Bible study tomorrow.

It’s a small step, I know. Hotshots still feels way more than I can handle.

It’s small enough that it should be manageable.

But is it?

I just don’t know.