Battle

I’m battling with my own thoughts today.

The past few days have been bad. I have some pretty serious new injuries to add to my collection. I’m barely functioning. I slept for 15 hours last night, medicating myself into oblivion at 4.30pm, and I’m still so very tired. I feel intensely alone, desperate for support but unable to reach out.

In a nutshell, I don’t feel safe.

The battle is with my own mind. Because I want to tell someone that I don’t feel safe, but I don’t want the consequences of it. I don’t want to be admitted again, especially not this close to Christmas. I don’t want Ian to feel he has to take time off work to babysit me.

But equally, I don’t know if I can resist the negative thoughts on my own. I don’t know if sheer willpower is enough to get me through it. Based on past experience, it probably isn’t.

I think I know what I have to do. I think I have to admit the truth of how I’m feeling to Ian, even knowing that it’s going to trigger a process I don’t want to be a part of.

I don’t want to do this to my family, my friends. I’ve put them all through way too much stress, upset and uncertainty. And I don’t want to do it to myself, either.

But if it’s a choice between confessing I’m not safe or crossing my fingers and hoping I’m strong enough to fight through this, I guess I know which option is the right one.