‘It will get better’

It’s something people keep telling me.

‘It won’t always be like this.’

‘You will get better.’

I know it’s intended as motivation, to encourage me to carry on rather than listening to all the voices that tell me to give up.

But the problem is, I don’t believe it.

‘Keep going to the therapy sessions.’

‘You need to get your meds looked at.’

‘You haven’t found the right help yet.’

All well and good, but what if none of those things change anything?

I might be mad, but I’m not stupid.

I know that depression can be a lifelong illness. A fatal illness. If it weren’t, no one would die by suicide. God knows I’ve come close enough to that point, and I still feel absolutely certain that, even if I overcome this episode, depression will take my life at some point.

I have no vision of myself growing old, retiring. I’m just sure that at some stage, now or in the future, I will lose my life to this illness.

That’s not pessimism or negative thinking about my condition. It’s simply something I know.

That’s why I can’t believe it when I’m told, ‘You will get through this. You will get better.’

Many people don’t. And I think I’m one of them.