Exhausted

That pretty much sums up how I feel right now.

I was told when I left hospital that I needed to take things easy, not go straight back to life at 100mph.

But that’s easier said than done when you have children, are self-employed, and it’s half-term.

Wednesday, we got back from the Isle of Wight. Yesterday we went to Legoland. Today is Tom’s birthday party. The past few days have been a blur of unpacking and washing and catching up on work and baking cakes and shopping and filling party bags.

I’m so, so tired and feeling perilously close to breaking point.

I know I’m doing all the wrong things here, but I don’t know what other options I have.

I can’t let the kids spend all half-term glued to their screens.

I can’t let Tom’s birthday go by unmarked; as it is, the fully catered trampolining party is the easiest option.

I can’t just pretend work doesn’t exist.

I got through yesterday with PRN meds, no doubt more than I should have taken; that’s probably why I’m in such a fog today, despite 12 hours’ sleep.

I’ll be taking more to get through today, especially as it means seeing people who are going to want to talk about how I am.

Gravity Force is not the place to talk about my mental health, so I’ll have to put on make up and paste on that smile and pretend I’m doing fine, when I’m not, I’m not, I’m really not.

I want to spend the evening relaxing in the hot tub but I can tell already that I’m going to feel too tired and too damned low to even do that. That all I’ll want to do is take zopiclone and sleep sleep sleep.

And then next week, the kids go back to school, but that just means more work, more housework, more ferrying them around.

The lady from CATT told me off last week. Advised me to take some time out, go and stay with a friend for a few days so I could give myself a bit of space to recover.

She told me that if I carry on like this, I’m going to end up back in hospital.

I know she’s right, as I’m feeling more and more tired and ill by the day.

But what else can I do than keep on keeping on?