Stupid me

Today I realised I’ve messed up in a big way.

I’ve come to Australia without enough meds.

I can see how I did it. I grabbed a packet of 28 tablets thinking it’d cover our time away, but without stopping to think that I’m on a mega-dose two a day.

Thank God I realised today, with time to fix it.

I can fix it. It’s going to cost me dearly; as it’s a pre-existing condition (and my own stupid mistake) I can’t claim on our insurance.

But it has to be done.

I hate it though. I hate being at the mercy of these tablets, that don’t just control my mood but will damn near kill me if I don’t withdraw from them properly.

I hate being this messed up freak of a woman, dependent on drugs to function.

Why am I like this? What is the matter with me, to make me so reliant on pharmaceuticals to survive?

I’d get it if it were a physical problem, but no. This is literally all in my mind.

How weak. How stupid. How pathetic.

I’ve not even missed a dose yet, but I feel awful tonight.

My SIL-2-B’s family and friends are lovely but I don’t belong. I thank the Lord for my Katie, who deflects attention away from me, because they’re all slim and gorgeous and perfect human beings.

It was okay when it was just us, just our family. They know what a car crash I am.

But this is too much.

I want to go home.