Facing up

It’s beginning to feel like what I’d hoped was a blip is in fact a proper downward spiral.

It’s not just that the sense of dread has settled over me; I’m also absolutely wiped out to the point that I can’t cook the kids a proper tea or put the washing away. We had people over for lunch yesterday and when they left I ended up curled up on my bed for two hours. Just getting up and into the shower this morning was a huge effort. I nearly cried when I realised I needed to unload the dishwasher.

It’s pathetic beyond belief.

The worst of it is that the children are noticing. I shouldn’t be surprised, really; they can’t really help but notice the contrast between how I was a month ago and how I am now. Tom keeps asking me if I’m okay. Katie, on the way to school, kept turning around and smiling at me with this worried little look in her eyes that made me realise she was desperately trying to make me feel better.

I need to stop this, I really do. Melodramatic though it sounds, I’m scared that I’m not going to get through it.

Today I’ve done two things that felt pretty terrifying but also necessary.

I’ve emailed both editors and asked if I can have the week off work. I can’t completely (unfortunately I didn’t have enough notice of losing the plot to allow for them to plan to cover me) but they have agreed that I can scale right back to take the pressure off a bit.

And I’ve texted the care co-ordinator to ask if I can see her this week.

I now have that sick feeling that I’ve done the wrong thing, that I’m a failure for not being able to cope with normal life. But I’m trying to tell myself that I’ve done the right thing. That maybe a week where I can take things slower will help to stop this slide before it gets any worse. That asking the professionals for help will stop me being such a burden on Ian and my friends.

It’s really hard, though. I look into the future and all I can see is myself trapped in this recurring cycle of feeling better for a few months then plummeting again.

It was so good to be feeling well. If only I could work out how to sustain it.