Perspective

I’ve felt decidedly wobbly over the past couple of days.

Ruminating massively on things past. And just generally feeling low and anxious.

It’s not a good feeling, especially after several weeks of being in a much better place mentally. I’d got to a point where I felt my meds were at the right level, and felt hopeful that this time, things were under control. Now I’m having doubts.

The challenge now is keeping things in perspective. I know that recovery isn’t a one-way street; it’s inevitable that there are going to be setbacks along the way. It’s also not surprising that my mood has dipped a bit. It’s the tail-end of the school holidays. We’re all out of routine. I’ve been staying up late – and usually having a few glasses of wine – and then sleeping late. I’m not taking my meds at the same time each day. I haven’t had my usual dose of fresh air and exercise on the walk to school. I’m feeling under pressure with work to get done before going away for the weekend.

Much as I like the holidays, I know my mental health suffers when my days lack structure. Next week, I’ll be back to normal and it will help me function better.

I also know that while I’m not feeling brilliant, I’m a long way from where I was. I’m not having any thoughts of suicide or self-harm – just thoughts that I don’t want to be back there again.

Above all, I need to keep telling myself that it’s only been a matter of days – it’s not a sign that things are going to go horribly wrong again.

It’s frustrating and dispiriting because it makes me realise that depression is, most likely, always going to be a part of me. But I’m stronger than I was, and I’m going to do everything I can to not let it suck me down again.