Mess

I’ve been lower this week than I have for quite some time.

I guess I should be praising God that I’ve got through it – even if it has involved throwing myself into work all day and then going to bed at 7pm each evening.

I’ve cried more than I have in months, but I’ve stopped myself acting on the self-destructive thoughts, even though they’re always there.

But I’ve also bailed out on interviews that I really should have done, and let people down. Left Ian to do everything with the children as soon as he walked through the door. Done no housework whatsoever. Completely forgotten my nephew’s birthday.

Worst of all, made a huge mess of things with a very special friend.

I spent my hours of lying awake in bed last night telling myself that this is God’s plan. That he’s teaching me a lesson for being too reliant on earthly people and not reliant enough on him. Forcing me to draw closer to him by drawing friends away.

I know he didn’t promise an easy life, or that I would like his plan, but although I can see what he’s trying to do, it’s hard to bear. I feel lonelier, more lost, than I ever have before.

I know in my head that he’s always right beside me, but my heart is not feeling it. And despite all his power and greatness and grace, he can’t actually sit with me, hold my hand or give me a hug.

Even Ian said, last night, that he’d never seen me look so sad.

He’s right – the sadness is just overwhelming.

I know I’m putting all my eggs in one basket but I am so desperate for the ACT group to actually be useful, to help me start to turn things around. Because just at the moment, everything is an enormous mess and I’m not sure I can find my way out of it.