A confrontation is brewing

Some time in the next week – it could be Tuesday, or it could be Sunday – I will see my mum for the first time since she found my blog.

I am so full of conflicting emotions about it.

I feel guilty. Really, really guilty. I know I tried to protect her from my mess, but I failed, and I feel awful for it. I know she will have read things I didn’t want her to read.

I feel ashamed. I know I have let her down, failed to be the A+ daughter she always wanted and expected.

I feel resentful. I don’t blame her for my depression, but I do feel that things may have worked out differently if, from the time of my very first episode, I had been met with empathy and concern rather than anger and disdain.

I feel closed-off. I don’t want her to hug me or weep on me or demand to see my scars.

I feel repressed. I don’t want to talk about it, but knowing that my mum knows has tipped me into this forced ‘la la la, everything is great’ charade.

What will happen? I suspect she will hug me a bit harder than she usually does, but then we will tiptoe around that great big depressed elephant in the room.

We will never mention it again.

In some ways it’s what I want. I want to go on living as normal. I really, really do not want to feel like I’m under parental suicide watch.

But in other ways, I so wish we had the sort of mother-daughter relationship where this had not come as a surprise to her, because I’d been able to confide in her. Not feel guilty. Not feel like a let-down. Not feel like my value in her life comes from being the perfect daughter, clever, confident, a good mother, responsible with money, in control of my emotions, causing no embarrassment, stress or ruffled feathers.

There is a positive. I will do my best to have a proper, open relationship with my children. I think we’re already getting there. Ours is not a peaceful, tidy house; we shout at each other, we slam doors, we’re too lazy to wash up some evenings. But despite our failings, I think we have a more honest bond. We can all express when we’re cross with each other. No feelings are bottled up in my children. We can accept each other’s failures and forgive. On a personal level, I have learned the value of giving a hug and saying I’m sorry, or I understand.

It’s been an emotional week for many reasons, and the impending confrontation is not helping.

I am so thankful that I can take it to the Lord.