How do you recover?

I am wondering tonight, will it ever be the same again?

Is there ever a way back to normal after a major depression, a suicide attempt?

Things are so much better. So, so much better. But I still feel so vulnerable.

In some ways, my parents knowing has lifted a weight, but in others, I now feel under more pressure than ever to be chirpy, upbeat, positive, giggly, to prove that I’m okay. Don’t worry about me. I’m doing just fine.

Ditto with friends. I’m finding it really hard to find a middle ground, a ‘just okay’ ground, without this slight edge of hysteria to it.

I don’t want people watching me. I don’t want all the, ‘How are yous?’ with a meaningful look.

But in other ways, I do.

I am not okay. I am not sure I will ever be okay again. Yes, the scars – physical and mental – are fading, but at the same time, I still feel so raw. I know it will ease in time – it has eased so much already – but will it ever not be there? Will I ever have a day where I don’t think about how I tried to kill myself, and wonder what if…? Will I ever be able to walk past the paracetamol in the supermarket without having to give myself a talking to?

It’s worse now I don’t have this safe place, since my parents discovered it. I used to be able to use this blog to say what I couldn’t say out loud to a few people I could trust. Now I can’t do that, because it’s privy to an audience that I don’t want to see it.

So, by dint of silence, everyone thinks I’m okay.

But I’m not.

I’m not sure I’ll ever be.