Nothing has changed

Just like nothing had changed to make me feel better over the past few weeks, now I can’t pinpoint what has changed to make me feel like I’m slipping again.

A couple of days ago, I was thinking that maybe I’d go to the doctor and ask about weaning off my medication.

Today, I filled the prescription for the next few months that I’ve been carrying around in my handbag since last week.

I should get some perspective here. I’m okay. I’m a long way from where I was. But I do feel like I’m being pulled back again.

Anxious.

Sleepless.

Short-tempered.

Tearful.

Guilty.

Over-reacting.

Over-compensating.

Things that I thought I was coping with, that I had moved on from – now they’re right there at the front of my mind again.

I know I need to take responsibility. I am fighting against slipping backwards. I’m doing all the good mental health first-aid stuff that I know I have to do: fresh air, exercise, five-a-day, etc etc etc. Plus the things that may not be NHS-prescribed, but that help me: prayer, Bible, reading supportive Christian Stuff. But I don’t know how far my own resistance can go.

I’ve said before how much I love 24 Hours in A&E, and how pleased I was to be enjoying this series, despite the fact that it has massive triggering potential. Tonight, I was well and truly triggered. I switched it off. There wasn’t anything particularly sensitive going on, but the whole thing gave me flashbacks.

I have no right to be disturbed by flashbacks when it was by my own hand that I ended up in there, but there it is. Everything – the navy blue vinyl mattresses, the cellular blankets, the curtains, the drip stands, the ceiling as viewed from a trolley, the guy on permanent floor-cleaning duty – put me right back there.

It’s not a place I ever want to be again – physically or mentally.

So. Four things I am going to do, right now, this evening, to try to stop myself falling back into the pit.

1. I am going to pray.

2. I am going to follow the advice in this amazing blog, and tell myself that I am precious, loved, forgiven.

3. I am going to kick back against the urge to avoid social contact, and stand next to someone in the playground tomorrow morning.

4. I am going to tell someone (real life) how I’m feeling.

It may or may not work. But I am putting up a fight.