I am so fed up of this.
Today was my fourth CMHT appointment in as many weeks.
Every time, I have seen a different person/people.
Every time, I have told the same story.
I’ve seen a mental health nurse and occupational therapist.
A psychiatrist.
A counselling psychologist.
And now a psychotherapist.
On every occasion, I have been asked the same questions. Told the same story.
I guess it’s good in some ways. I am now completely desensitised to talking to shrinks (generic term) about the state of my head. I used to come out wrecked; today, I sat in my car afterwards and ate a sandwich, and then stopped at BP for a KitKat.
But I am fed up.
If this is crisis care, it’s a good job I’m not in crisis any more. It’s getting on for two months since I was in hospital. I don’t feel like I’m anywhere further in terms of getting help.
I am going to look at this positively. I don’t like to count chickens but I am feeling okay at the moment. Not great – but okay. I am not fighting razor blade urges just now. I am not lying in bed planning paracetamol shopping trips. That is progress, even from a week ago.
But I do still feel like I’m struggling still. Faking it. And it’s so tiring. Today, in particular, I have tried so hard to be relentlessly upbeat. I think I’ve done pretty well – and that is progress. But I am so tired.
As things stand at the moment, I’m being called back in another three or four weeks for another assessment appointment with the same person. There may or may not be another after that. Beyond that, I may or may not get long-term therapy, which may or may not be with the same person.
I am honestly not sure how much more I can do. Every time I have to do ‘my story’ with someone, it exhausts me. I can’t spend the next however many months going over ‘what was in my head when’ with an ever-expanding string of professionals.
I genuinely feel I would be better walking away from it right now.
Lucy's Depression Diary 