Feeling a failure

I’m feeling a bit rubbish.

It was supposed to just be a routine review appointment. I was supposed to breeze in, say, ‘Everything is great, thanks very much,’ and breeze out again. Instead, after a couple of weeks where I’ve felt myself sliding rapidly downwards, I found myself shaking and crying in the GP’s surgery. Admitting to hurting myself. Admitting that I’m struggling, feeling lost and hopeless and lonely. Admitting that everything at home feels like a total mess.

I know I had to do it, and I know the outcome – a referral for more counselling (with the same person; no need to start again from scratch, thank goodness), and a continuation of medication – is what I need. But I feel like a total failure for having taken such a big step backwards when, a few weeks ago, I was doing so much better.

I don’t know why I am still not ‘fixed.’ I feel guilty for wasting people’s time. I feel guilty for making my family and friends worry about me. I feel guilty that I’ve used up everyone’s resources, drained their time and energy and patience to the point that I don’t feel I can even ask for a hug or a cup of tea and a chat. I feel guilty that I can’t just sort myself out, get back to normal for the sake of my husband and children.

I know I’m not right back at square one, but feeling that things are slipping out of my control scares me. My sleep is all over the place. My patience with the children is non-existent. My focus for work has gone to pieces, to the point that I’ve had to ask for deadline extensions.

I don’t want to be back here again.