Anticipating

I’m feeling a bit scared. I have felt really good over the past few days. Normal. Content. Yes, of course I have yelled at the kids, and sniped at my husband, but all within a normal context.

Tomorrow morning, I have counselling. And this scares me. I don’t want to go.

I don’t want to go and pick apart my life again.

I don’t want to go and come out feeling broken again.

I don’t want to go, because just going to counselling means I’m all messed up.

But but but, I know I need to. I know there is still work for me to do. I know that if I walk away from this now, I will be letting my demons beat me.

I thought they had gone. But when my friend was upset with me because I’d been out to the park with our other friends, and invited her, but she was working so didn’t come, I felt awful. So guilty.

My default mode is ‘bad person.’ Which I am, of course I am. 

I feel like the worst sinner of the lot.

So, tomorrow. More counselling. More introspection. You know what I would like? I would really like to cry. Get everything out. But it’s all locked in.

I’m scared.